The Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A Second Language
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!"
The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that s why it s important to learn a second language."
The Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Double Mistakes
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It s a girl. She s my daughter.
A: Oh, I m sorry, sir. I didn t know that you were her father.
B: I m not. I m her mother.
Call Me Taxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
An Elephant s Grave
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I m the one who must dig his grave.
Wrong Number
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
A Good Student
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
A help?
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
All by Himself
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
God s Will
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
An American
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...
A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...
A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
-An American.
A Bad News
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that s the good news, then what s the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
AIDS
A man is dying of cancer......
His son asked him,
" Dad, why do you keep telling people you re dying of AIDS? "
Dad:" So when I m dead no one will dare touch your mom...."
Three feelings
What s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
Chinese Adam and Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!
A Busy Patient
Patient: Doctor, I feel so weak.
Doctor: Okay, let me check.
Patient: What s wrong with me?
Doctor: You are physically exhausted. You need more nutrition.
Patient: How can I get enough nutrition quickly? I am a very busy man.
Doctor: Intravenous drip.
Patient: How long would it take?
Doctor: A couple of hours.
Patient: (Points to the intravenous drip bottle) May I drink it? I can
finish it in three minutes.
It hurts everywhere
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don t worry; it s not serious. You ve just got a broken index finger." |
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