15.05.2008 (Thursday) 2.30am-5.20am
Its the last i look at her...
Holding her...
Touching her hand...
I even no chance to say goodbye to you...
I never prepare to let you go...
You leave silently...
Why has to leave me like this...
Why....
You know...
I love u so much...
I still cant believe you r leaving me...
I still cant believe when u lying in the cold coffin...
I still cant believe when they send u away...
I still cant believe....
When i look at you..
You seem like sleeping..
Sleeping like a baby ...
So sweet ... so comfort
When i look at you..
I thinking...
YOu just kidding me...
You r not wan to leave me here alone..
I just think u will open ur eyes..
and talk to me...
and tell me its just a jokes with me ....
But when i look at ur heart...
Its stop beating ...
Stop breathing ...
Pulling me to the reality...
You r realllly leave me ...
When i touching ur face...
your hand...your body ...
Its not warm as usual...
Its cold ...
Cold like ice...
I cant believe...
Mama ... why leave me...
This morning i still be with u..
But u r cold..
But u not talking anymore..
You just closed ur eyes..
Sleeep .... rest...
ITs the 1st day u r not be with me in this house..
I looking at the place u sit and sleep usual...
I cant hear ur voices around the house...
Call my name...
Your laughing...your smiling ...
I love u so so much .......mama...
mother day is coming soon...
all my frens they planning how to celebrate it with their mama...
and wat present they wan to buy for their mama...
and me ?
im thinking...and thinking...
wat i gonna to buy for my mama ...
and i thinking...
did i have the mood to buy it ?
i not sure...
is it she feeel happy wit it in the situation of her now ?
i dont know .... im very confused....
i feeel sad....
everyday i saw her to suffer
just wanna to live one more day...
and one more day n one more day ...
my heart very pain...
i upset myself...
why i cant to help her..
wat can i do to help her ?
no answer ...
i reallly hope im the one who facing this problem..
i reallly hope i can help her to take some of this kind of painful..
at least she will feel abit more better before she going end to her life..
not painful like now ...
she wanna to giving up...
giving up her life coz of the painful she receiving...
its heartpain and upset when i heard it...
hwo can she said like this...
how can the thing going like this ...
its not wat i wan ...
realllly ...
im confused and depressed ...
if i wan to giving up...
then i will give up so early..
why have to be now ?
its mean i wont give up now and forever...
no way ....
i love her...
how can i said i wan to give up about her...
how can i ?
since she sick ..
she changed abit ...
she being so mean sometimes...
and frastruted, depressed sometimess...
its make me abit upset sometimes...
i tried to talk to her nicely...
but she still same...
wat can i do with this ?
is it her life willl end soon ?
is it the angel will come to bring her away from me ?
can they caome another day ?
at least not b4 i getting married..
at least not b4 i havent prepare for it..
at least not b4 i stilll wan to be with her...
i left home 2 yrs ++
and when i came back..
then why she has to go ?
why ??
i cant understand....
why god have to do this to me ?
why god has to bring her away from me ?
why ??
its not the time yet ...
isnt it ?
i cant think how can i live without her ?
i cant figure it out ...
i asked my fren...
Ivy... how can i live if my mom leave me?
how ...how ... how ....
sometimes has a lower voice
talking to me...
she told me some secret..
something like i will bleeding...
or leaving here too...
its sad ... its sad....
Today - 11.05.2008
mother day...
everyone is being with their mama...
celebrate with their mama...
and me ?
i standing away..
looking at her to suffer..
looking at her how to survive...
I dont even know wat to do...
i dont wanna to celebrate it..
coz i dont wan its to be the last
i stilll giving hope ..
hope i still can be wit mama every mother day
she being skinny n skinny ..
so suffer n suffer
my heart painful n painful..
looking into her eyes..
its full of pain..
its asking me to help..
to help her...and help her..
but im still standing around ..
bending down...
crying between my legsss..
i dont know how to help ..
how to save her. ..
i dont know ...
and dont know ...
why is my mama ?
why its happen to me and my mama ?
why ....
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