趁我還沒忘記, 趕快寫下來....
C.G.:
When you asked me "becca, what is this to you?" and i just shrugged because i was still refusing to accept our relationship status, and i asked you back "what about you? what is this to you?"
you said "to me, this is friends with benefits... do you... have a problem with that...? will you tell me if you do? are you really okay with this...? will you let me know when you re not okay with this?"
i know i nodded and mhmmm-ed all those questions, but even then, i was doubting how long it will last. what happens when it needs to be changed.
you said "i won t deny it, i wake up in the morning sometimes and i roll over and just wished you re here because.... that s what it s been for a year and a half..."
i know, it s the nice waking up to someone beside you feeling that you miss and want, but it s not really me that you necessarily need and want.
even until now, i ve been telling myself that i share the same feelings as you, that i know how different we are so i ll just let it flow, "whatever happens, happens, right?"
but all i ve been doing, is kept ignoring what i want. the last time i chuckled and said "you know what this feels like? it feels like an underground relationship..." and then had the whole explaining to you what your point of view was, i was just trying to make it into my own view too so it won t hurt so much.
i ve discovered that the past few times i went over to your place, i ve realized something new each time. the first time was how different we really are and why we don t work, and hence why you insisted there s no we anymore.
this time, i ve realized that i don t want this friends with benefits crap.
i m done with this.
it s not leading us anywhere, and it probably won t end too well if we continue.
so what is it that i want?
i want a proper relationship.
a relationship with someone who shares some of my interests, and i do his.
as for the ones that we don t share, we can both accept and learn to adjust ourselves.
a relationship that s normal, where we might not be able to see each other for awhile, but we can always make it count when we do.
a relationship where we can just sit in a room, bored, but still enjoy each others company.
a relationship where he s willing to pick up learning Chinese (if he doesn t know already) and even try to enjoy some of the foods i like, and i the same.
a relationship where we re both independent, but also rely on each other.
one that after a fight, we can talk things through, hug, kiss, apologize, and change for each other so the same arguments don t happen again.
a relationship where, i never feel like "i m in this alone." when it comes to dealing with our problems.
if he s not a Christian already, at least he won t question my faith and maybe even willing to meet and hang out with my friends from church.
a relationship where we have a group of mutual friends.
a relationship where he gets some of the hints i try to send out without saying, just some. it s okay if he doesn t get all of them... =P and i the same.
a relationship that ll move us both.
a relationship that s as simple as "i love you, and you love me too. there, there s no reason for us to want to breakup anymore."
a relationship, that s a two way street but a roundabout that completes each other, like, tons of 8s connected together (you know, cuz you have to keep moving, but you always meet up with each other somehow =P)
Maybe, it s a little too soon for me to be listing this.
Maybe it ll change in a couple years, or even a couple months.
But just... something, someone, that s normal... or abnormal, just like me.
I still consider you as my soul-mate, but i think i ve fought for you, at least tried.
If you re willing to give "us" another shot, that ll be... awesome.
But if not, I m okay having you as a friend. But I don t want to do this whole... friends with benefits thing anymore.
Love,
Becca |
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